Many families receive the devastating news that one of their children has been diagnosed with a terminal illness. These families are crushed and try to find ways to cope with the sickness and subsequent loss of their child. They spend extra time with that child, they do special things for that child, and so forth. That is completely understandable. More time has to be spent on the child with the illness because he/she needs not only emotional support, but he/she needs his/her parents there to take him/her to their doctor appointments and other places. Unfortunately, many parents get so preoccupied and worried about their one child, that they can neglect their other familial relationships. When parents focus so much attention on the child with the illness, the relationships with the other children and spouse can be damaged.
Now, don't get me wrong. When a family has a sick child, it is horrible. It is obvious that that family would want to spend extra time with and do more with that child, seeing as how they do not have much time left. That is a good thing. The only concern is that while that happens, the other children are neglected, and they need parental support just as much as the child with the illness.
When the other children go neglected, they can begin to foster feelings of jealousy, resentment, loneliness, and guilt. The siblings of the sick child are torn apart inside. They are losing their brother or sister, and the grief (especially if they are younger) can be too much for them to bear. They feel a deep sense of loss, and need their parents there more than ever to help them learn how to cope. When the parents are hyperfocused on the sick child, the siblings no longer have someone that can help them deal with the wide range of emotions they are feeling. They start to feel lonely. They begin to be jealous of all the time and attention their sick sibling is getting while they are being forgotten in the background. When the illness of their brother or sister begins to affect how they live their life, such as not being able to spend time with friends for fear of bringing dangerous germs home, or not being able to participate, or having their parents come watch them participate, in extracurricular activities at school, and so forth they start to foster feelings of resentment and jealousy as well. They are angry that they can no longer do the things they want, or have their parents there to support them in the activities they do. However, these siblings start to feel guilt as well, because they know their brother or sister is dying, they know it is not the sick sibling's fault, and thus they feel horrible that they feel such resentment toward him/her. They then, in turn, need their parents there to help them navigate their emotions of not only sadness, but anger, guilt, resentment, and so forth; but when the parents have all their time and attention invested in the sick child, the other siblings have nowhere to turn.
Risk factors revolve around the married couple relationship as well. Feelings of resentment could set in if one parents seems to spend more time with the sick child than the other. Feelings of blame could ensue if the one spouse perceives that the child is sick or dying due to something the other one did. So much attention is given the sick child, that the married couple stops nurturing their relationship to ensure that each spouse is receiving the adequate emotional help he/she needs to cope with this crisis. Both spouses are hurting, and they need to rely on one another for comfort and support. If parents are not careful and they let their marriage go unattended, the death of a child can create rifts in the relationship that can be extremely difficult to repair.
These problems do not have to overcome all families, however. Armed with this knowledge, families can use the time they have left with their sick child to draw closer to one another. The family must be open with their emotions and be available to meet each others' needs, not just the needs of the sick child. Families should do things together, participating in different activities that each family member likes to do. Spouses should take the time to go on a date night once per week, leaving their worries behind so that each can nurture their relationship and allow the stresses of the situation be eased from their minds for a few hours. There are many things a family can do to better cope with such a tragedy.
Once again, do not get me wrong, I am not trying to say that families with sick children need to go on as if nothing is wrong. Having a terminally ill child is a major tragedy. However, the key thing is how the family copes with the crisis. Too often the other siblings and marital relationship are neglected, and problems can arise. When families understand this and take the time to create lasting bonds with one another, they can learn to rely on, trust, and love one another even more than before.
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