step family struggles

     Divorce is hard on everyone.  Even the divorces that seem to go smoothly still leave emotional scars on the couple and especially the children.  Such emotional trauma happens when parents remarry.  Suddenly, the children's loyalties and feelings of love are split between both sets of parents.  Divorce and remarriage are difficult on everyone, especially children, and parents should do what they can to avoid causing any more challenges for their children.

     When parents remarry, children are caught in a double bind.  A double bind is when whatever a child does will irritate one of his/her parents.  In remarriage, if children begin to feel fond of or positively towards their stepparent, the other parent will feel cheated and angry.  For example, if children begin to feel fondly of their stepmother, their mother might become angry and begin to chastize her children.  If those same children foster feelings of resentment towards their stepmother, their father will get angry and scold them for not loving her.  In both cases, children are left confused and torn.

     Parents should do what they can to prevent divorce and, if already divorced, not cause their children any more confusion and stress by splitting their loyalties.  Parents can act civil towards one another in front of their children.  Parents should not triangle in, or argue with one another through their children.  If parents do not allow their children to love them and their stepparents equally, or to simply show fondness towards stepparents, children will suffer more than the parents.

     Remarried families are difficult to manage.  Coping with divorce and the idea of their parents never getting back together is difficult enough for kids to bear.  Parents can do much to help ease the burden of living in a remarried family for their children.

How to raise a teenager

Teenagers can be extremely difficult.  Many parents are left wondering "what am I doing wrong?", or "why doesn't my teenager show me more respect?", or even "why doesn't my teenager obey my rules?" Through experience and studies, family scientists have created the method of “active parenting” to help parents better meet the needs of their child as well as gain the obedience they want from their teen.  The active parenting approach is an effective way of parenting that can make the job of parenting a little more manageable and gain more results. 

Teenagers are going through a very difficult time in their lives.  Teenagers’ bodies are developing outwardly and inwardly in ways they might not understand.  One of the most difficult aspects of this growth for both teens and their parents is the teen’s brain development.  The brain develops in stages, with the prefrontal cortex developing last.  The prefrontal cortex is in charge of reasoning, morality, emotion regulation, and so forth.  Even worse, teenagers live in a world that encourages promiscuity, drug abuse, rebellion against authority, and so on.  No wonder teenagers struggle so much.  Teenagers need strong support from their parents as they go through this time of life.

Parents need to maintain strong support for their teens and allow them to grow in independence, but within parental limitations.  The “active” style of parenting allows parents to do just that.  When parents are “active” in their children’s lives, they allow their children to grow and gain experience for themselves, sometimes learning through the natural consequences that come from negative decisions.  Parents that are “active”, rather than “authoritarian” (like a dictator) or “passive” (like a door-mat), they respect their children’s agency and work with their children in a more democratic manner.  “Active” parents sit down with their children and establish rules together, listening to the input from the teenager.  “Active” parents allow their teenagers to think of logical consequences for disobeying the rules that they set down together.  They encourage their children on a frequent basis, recognizing and encouraging their good behavior and helping them feel good about themselves.  “Active” parents express their concerns with their children when it comes to drugs, sex, school, and so on.  In short, “active” parents respect their child’s independence, giving them room to grow, while maintaining strong limits through rules.

One of the most important aspects of “active” parenting is by recognizing who owns the problem.  Often, parents get caught up with the idea that if there’s a problem, it’s their teenager’s fault and they need to change it.  In other words, the teenager “owns” the problem.  However, more often than not the parents are the ones that actually own the problem.  For example, if a father does not like what his son puts on his facebook profile and wants him to change it, the father is the one that owns the problem, and he needs to be the one to help encourage his son, in a loving way, to change it because it bothers him (the dad).  Changing statements from “you need to change this” to “it really bothers me when…, and I’d really appreciate it if you would…” avoids a power struggle between teen and parent, lets the teenager know his/her parent loves him/her, and the teen will be more willing to change.  Recognizing who is affected by the problem will help parents know how to better help their teens change undesired behavior.

There are many aspects of “active” parenting that I can’t cover in here.  Overall, teenagers struggle with gaining independence and trying to discover themselves.  The physiological changes teens go through, coupled with the social pressures they are surrounded with, can be difficult to manage.  Loving, “active” parents can help their teenagers to better manage struggles in their lives, protect them, and prepare them to live in the world around them as responsible adults.