Teenagers can be extremely
difficult. Many parents are left wondering "what am I doing
wrong?", or "why doesn't my teenager show me more respect?", or
even "why doesn't my teenager obey my rules?" Through experience and
studies, family scientists have created the method of “active parenting” to
help parents better meet the needs of their child as well as gain the obedience
they want from their teen. The active
parenting approach is an effective way of parenting that can make the job of
parenting a little more manageable and gain more results.
Teenagers are going through a very
difficult time in their lives. Teenagers’
bodies are developing outwardly and inwardly in ways they might not
understand. One of the most difficult
aspects of this growth for both teens and their parents is the teen’s brain
development. The brain develops in
stages, with the prefrontal cortex developing last. The prefrontal cortex is in charge of reasoning,
morality, emotion regulation, and so forth.
Even worse, teenagers live in a world that encourages promiscuity, drug
abuse, rebellion against authority, and so on. No wonder teenagers struggle so much. Teenagers need strong support from their
parents as they go through this time of life.
Parents need to maintain strong
support for their teens and allow them to grow in independence, but within
parental limitations. The “active” style
of parenting allows parents to do just that.
When parents are “active” in their children’s lives, they allow their
children to grow and gain experience for themselves, sometimes learning through
the natural consequences that come from negative decisions. Parents that are “active”, rather than “authoritarian”
(like a dictator) or “passive” (like a door-mat), they respect their children’s
agency and work with their children in a more democratic manner. “Active” parents sit down with their children
and establish rules together, listening to the input from the teenager. “Active” parents allow their teenagers to
think of logical consequences for disobeying the rules that they set down
together. They encourage their children
on a frequent basis, recognizing and encouraging their good behavior and
helping them feel good about themselves.
“Active” parents express their concerns with their children when it
comes to drugs, sex, school, and so on. In
short, “active” parents respect their child’s independence, giving them room to
grow, while maintaining strong limits through rules.
One of the most important aspects
of “active” parenting is by recognizing who owns the problem. Often, parents get caught up with the idea
that if there’s a problem, it’s their teenager’s fault and they need to change
it. In other words, the teenager “owns”
the problem. However, more often than
not the parents are the ones that actually own the problem. For example, if a father does not like what
his son puts on his facebook profile and wants him to change it, the father is
the one that owns the problem, and he needs to be the one to help encourage his
son, in a loving way, to change it because it bothers him (the dad). Changing statements from “you need to change
this” to “it really bothers me when…, and I’d really appreciate it if you would…”
avoids a power struggle between teen and parent, lets the teenager know his/her
parent loves him/her, and the teen will be more willing to change. Recognizing who is affected by the problem
will help parents know how to better help their teens change undesired
behavior.
There are many aspects of “active”
parenting that I can’t cover in here.
Overall, teenagers struggle with gaining independence and trying to
discover themselves. The physiological
changes teens go through, coupled with the social pressures they are surrounded
with, can be difficult to manage. Loving,
“active” parents can help their teenagers to better manage struggles in their
lives, protect them, and prepare them to live in the world around them as
responsible adults.
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