What is love?

     Television, movies, music, and all forms of popular media are saturated with the theme of love.  People talk of love all the time.  Some people meet for the first time and experience "love at first sight", while others are friends for long stretches of time before suddenly noticing one another and playing with the idea of dating and falling in love.  Love is tied into all aspects of life. 

     However, love is not the same everywhere.  Sometimes love is fleeting; sometimes it lasts a lifetime.  Sometimes love comes without even desiring it.  Unbeknownst to many, there are different kinds of love.

     The Greeks had four different words for the word "love".  First is philia.  Philia is the love that is shared between siblings, or friends.  Second is agape, or a love regardless of whether the giver likes the person he/she is loving or not.  Third is eros, or erotic love.  This is the passionate, romantic, sexual love that is glorified on the television screen and radio.  Finally, there is storge, the love between a parent and child. 

    When it comes to a marriage relationship, a person may ask what the best kind or combination of the four kinds of love should be manifest.  Many times, people mistakenly think that eros, or romantic love is all a couple needs.  That is the idea the entertainment industry touts.  Unfortunately, eros, or passionate love, is fleeting, coming and going like the wind.  People use the word "infatuation" to describe the feeling of passionate love.  However, when one person gets bored or struggles come, those that base their marriage relationship on passionate love will fall apart. 

     Thus, the best kind of love a married couple should have in reality should be a combination of the four.  Passionate love is important and can make the relationship exciting, but as stated, without the other three, passionate love is not enough.  Marriage must have a large amount of agape love, sometimes referred to as charity, because there will be many times when marriage partners will not see eye to eye, but they must and will love one another even when they do not like one another.  Marriage must have a good amount of philia, or friendship love.  Marriage partners that have a strong friendship and are able to maintain that friendship throughout their lives will be happier and will be better able to share an emotionally intimate relationship with one another.  Husbands and wives rate having a strong friendship as a major component in maintaining a more satisfying sex life.  Finally, storge love should be present, not in the same way a parent loves a child, but in the almost obligation they feel to love one another no matter what the other person does.  Loving one another unconditionally allows spouses to flourish and depend on one another, each person knowing that they will always have someone there to love and support them.  A healthy combination will help marriages prosper.

    Love is more complex and beautiful than the popular media portrays.  Love is not just a fleeting moment, nor simply a feeling.  Love is something that is cherished, nurtured, and worked on.  Loving someone is not always easy, but can bring the greatest satisfaction to life and marriage.

For anyone who's interested in learning a little bit more about same sex attraction, the article by
A. Dean Byrd called "Homosexuality: Innate and Immutable?  What Science Can and Cannot Say" in the book Understanding Same-Sex Attraction: Where to Turn and How to Help is very interesting. 

What is same sex attraction really?

     We hear in the media so much nowadays from gay and lesbian activists and others that homosexuality is a trait people are born with and cannot change.  If that was the case, it would obviously make a lot of people upset that others would not want to legalize same sex marriage; after all, it would only be fair and make gays and lesbians feel good about themselves.  Same sex attraction is not what it appears to be, however.  Same sex attraction is based on psychological errors, people were not born with it.
     How would people's attitudes change by discovering that same sex attraction was not biological like many said it was?
     In 1998, the APA released a statement saying that same sex attraction was something people were born with.  However, over the past several years, researchers have discovered that same sex attraction is rooted in psychological errors and not in a person's biological nature.  In 2008, the APA released another statement saying that researchers cannot come to an agreement about the specific origins of same sex attraction, and that both nature and nurture had a role to play in same sex attraction.
     In studies and throughout experience, many therapists and researchers have come to discover that same sex attraction has more to do with a person longing for a sense of emotional intimacy with a member of the same sex rather than any sexual desire in itself.  For the sake of this blog, I'll use references to homosexual boys.  In many cases, boys who later identify themselves as gay tended to enjoy more nurturing, creative, feminine activities than other boys at a young age.  Rather than playing sports, these boys liked to play things such as dress up.  As a result, those boys were rejected by their male counterparts and spend time with girls at the age when boys and girls begin to play with others of their own gender.  Suddenly, at the ages 11-13, when boys begin to notice girls in a different, more sexual way, these boys who later identify as gay have already had girl friends, so girls are not mysterious or interesting to them.  Rather, they are still stuck longing to just "fit in" with the guys.  They want to be accepted by the guys, and later confuse these psychological needs with feelings of sexuality.
     Those who identify themselves as "gay" later in life have a lot of past experiences in common.  75% of "gay" boys were the victims of sexual abuse as kids.  Many say that these experiences confused them and that it wasn't what they wanted, but they liked feeling accepted by another guy as well as the feeling of being cared for that came with it.  Interestingly enough, a boy tends to identify himself as "gay" on average within 5 months of their first sexual experience. 
     Many "gay" boys lacked feelings of affection and being loved because over 90% of "gay" men had problems with their father and were too close to their mothers.  Their fathers showed little affection, were disappointed in their sons, and sometimes even had problems with alcohol and other things.  The mothers would protect the sons from the father, would complain to the son about the father, and would share thoughts that were too intimate to share between a mother and son.
      Societal labels are also detrimental to "gay" men.  For example, when a young girl participates in sports and more masculine activities, society calls her a "tomboy".  Tomboys are accepted in society, and some men even think tomboys are cool.  However, if a boy finds more enjoyment in more feminine activities, society immediately throws the label of "gay" on him.  Combating the label society puts on these boys can be confusing and difficult to overcome, especially when a young boy is trying to discover his identity.
     Finally, homosexuals also tend to have higher rates of alcohol and substance abuse, suicidal tendencies, and depression.  However, some argue that legalizing same sex marriage will cause these rates to decrease. It is interesting to note, however, that even in Denmark, where same sex marriage has already been legalized, rates of substance abuse, depression, and suicidal tendencies have not decreased.
     In the midst of all the confusion, boys mistake their need for emotional connections with friends of the same gender with feelings of sexuality.
   Many men who identify as "gay" actually want to change.  Most "gay" men that come in to receive homosexual counseling are actually happy to learn about this research and that it is possible for them to be straight.  Many are excited by the idea of being able to be a husband and a father in a traditional family.  For many, once they come to this realization and begin to develop healthy relationships with members of the same sex, which fulfills the need for emotional intimacy with same sex friends, their same sex attraction begins to go away. 
     That is why the laws passed in California and New Jersey to outlaw homosexual reorientation therapy are so detrimental.  First of all, these laws are an infringement on the basic human right these people have that want to receive such counseling.  Second, these laws are very one sided, saying that if a homosexual wants to be more gay, that's just fine, but if they want to go straight, it's illegal to get counseling.  Politicians and lobbyists do not look at the facts and do not care about the needs and wants of the few who want to get help.  Rather, they are too focused on their own agenda and political gain.
   Overall, the origin of same sex attraction is completely different from what people tend to believe.  Same sex attraction is not something people are born with.  Same sex attraction stems from people not having their needs of "fitting in" to the group of their same sex peers met, and many want to change.

Are all cultures equal in terms of being right and wrong, good and bad? Do we have the right to proclaim one set of values to be better than another?

Every culture brings a new perspective and approach to how to do things.  Different cultures have different strengths and weaknesses.  However, not every culture is valid in its views of right and wrong, and that is definitely the case when it comes to raising families.

 

Yes, cultures are are valid in the sense that they bring new ideas to the table.  They are valid in that people believe them, thus they exist.  However, to say that everyone is just as correct as everyone else is to embrace the idea of relativity; that it does not matter what we do, there is no absolute truth, and people can do whatever they want and turn out just fine.  That idea is false, for God has given to us, His children, the correct standards and commandments, or culture, to live by.  

 

For example, for one person a truth might be that a child should not receive any displays of affection and that the child should raise himself.  Others, that affection should be freely given and that the child should have support from the parents.  People can easily see that children that come from homes with affectionate, supportive parents fare better than those who do not.  Thus, the idea of the affectionate parent is correct, while the idea of the non-affectionate parent is wrong.

 

God teaches the culture that is right and the culture that is wrong.  That does not mean that God doesn't love His children equally, but that He has eternal truths and standards that are better than the standards of the world. The standard of living, or culture, God has given to the world is His gospel, and people fare better when they live by that standard.

 

 

Everyone belongs somewhere.  High class, middle class, lower class, and everywhere in between is riddled with people.  People are separated into classes based on how they dress, what hobbies they have, and the attitudes with which they carry themselves.  Rarely do people change social class, probably because they are too comfortable in the class with which they are familiar.  So often, people's social class is determined by the neighborhood, home, and family they grew up in.

Families have the greatest impact on what social class their children will wind up in.   The social class of the parents usually determines the social class of the child, and the parents' social class is determined by culture as well as how much money they make.  When a family makes a lot of money and can buy nicer things, suddenly that family can live in the quieter, friendlier neighborhood.  Likewise, when a family makes a smaller income they are forced to live in a smaller, less comfortable home in the, stereotypically, dirtier, run-down, ghetto neighborhoods.  The culture then labels that family a certain way, even if that label is incorrect.  The worst part is that so often, even when good parents with lower incomes try to help their children live better lives than they did, their children tend to wind up in the same situation as the parents.  On the other hand, sometimes children will wind up like their parents simply because parents were either too lazy or apathetic to try and improve their situation.  Children emulate their parents, and so parents have the responsibility to try and become what they want their children to be.  That is not always easy, nor does it mean parents have to be millionaires to be successful and raise children that will live better than their parents did.  It simply means that parents owe it to their children to try; try and show their children the importance of striving to do and be their best.  When parents strive to be examples to their children, their children are more likely to improve their living situations when they are older.

Belonging to a certain social class does not make a person any better or any worse than anyone.  No one is better than anyone else.  However, problems do exist depending on what social class a person belongs to.  Studies show that people in middle to higher middle class tend to marry first and then have children.  People in this social stratosphere tend to have less divorces overall as well.  People in lower classes tend to have an increased amount of divorces, cohabitation rates, and children born out of wedlock.  Divorce, cohabitation, and out of wedlock births are huge contributing factors to the disintegration of the family.  When the family unit dissolves, society dissolves as well.  Other studies show that children born into family situations such as single parents homes, cohabiting couples, divorced parents, and so on are at a disadvantage compared to children born into nuclear, two parent families with a mother and father.  Furthermore, children born into families with such problems tend to perpetuate that culture; they are the ones that are more likely to divorce, cohabit, and have children out of wedlock.  Thus it is a parent's duty to strive to provide the best life for their children.

Overall, the social class a person belongs to can determine how his/her child will end up.  Even though it may not seem like it, money is a factor in potentially determining the future success or failure of children.