step family struggles

     Divorce is hard on everyone.  Even the divorces that seem to go smoothly still leave emotional scars on the couple and especially the children.  Such emotional trauma happens when parents remarry.  Suddenly, the children's loyalties and feelings of love are split between both sets of parents.  Divorce and remarriage are difficult on everyone, especially children, and parents should do what they can to avoid causing any more challenges for their children.

     When parents remarry, children are caught in a double bind.  A double bind is when whatever a child does will irritate one of his/her parents.  In remarriage, if children begin to feel fond of or positively towards their stepparent, the other parent will feel cheated and angry.  For example, if children begin to feel fondly of their stepmother, their mother might become angry and begin to chastize her children.  If those same children foster feelings of resentment towards their stepmother, their father will get angry and scold them for not loving her.  In both cases, children are left confused and torn.

     Parents should do what they can to prevent divorce and, if already divorced, not cause their children any more confusion and stress by splitting their loyalties.  Parents can act civil towards one another in front of their children.  Parents should not triangle in, or argue with one another through their children.  If parents do not allow their children to love them and their stepparents equally, or to simply show fondness towards stepparents, children will suffer more than the parents.

     Remarried families are difficult to manage.  Coping with divorce and the idea of their parents never getting back together is difficult enough for kids to bear.  Parents can do much to help ease the burden of living in a remarried family for their children.

How to raise a teenager

Teenagers can be extremely difficult.  Many parents are left wondering "what am I doing wrong?", or "why doesn't my teenager show me more respect?", or even "why doesn't my teenager obey my rules?" Through experience and studies, family scientists have created the method of “active parenting” to help parents better meet the needs of their child as well as gain the obedience they want from their teen.  The active parenting approach is an effective way of parenting that can make the job of parenting a little more manageable and gain more results. 

Teenagers are going through a very difficult time in their lives.  Teenagers’ bodies are developing outwardly and inwardly in ways they might not understand.  One of the most difficult aspects of this growth for both teens and their parents is the teen’s brain development.  The brain develops in stages, with the prefrontal cortex developing last.  The prefrontal cortex is in charge of reasoning, morality, emotion regulation, and so forth.  Even worse, teenagers live in a world that encourages promiscuity, drug abuse, rebellion against authority, and so on.  No wonder teenagers struggle so much.  Teenagers need strong support from their parents as they go through this time of life.

Parents need to maintain strong support for their teens and allow them to grow in independence, but within parental limitations.  The “active” style of parenting allows parents to do just that.  When parents are “active” in their children’s lives, they allow their children to grow and gain experience for themselves, sometimes learning through the natural consequences that come from negative decisions.  Parents that are “active”, rather than “authoritarian” (like a dictator) or “passive” (like a door-mat), they respect their children’s agency and work with their children in a more democratic manner.  “Active” parents sit down with their children and establish rules together, listening to the input from the teenager.  “Active” parents allow their teenagers to think of logical consequences for disobeying the rules that they set down together.  They encourage their children on a frequent basis, recognizing and encouraging their good behavior and helping them feel good about themselves.  “Active” parents express their concerns with their children when it comes to drugs, sex, school, and so on.  In short, “active” parents respect their child’s independence, giving them room to grow, while maintaining strong limits through rules.

One of the most important aspects of “active” parenting is by recognizing who owns the problem.  Often, parents get caught up with the idea that if there’s a problem, it’s their teenager’s fault and they need to change it.  In other words, the teenager “owns” the problem.  However, more often than not the parents are the ones that actually own the problem.  For example, if a father does not like what his son puts on his facebook profile and wants him to change it, the father is the one that owns the problem, and he needs to be the one to help encourage his son, in a loving way, to change it because it bothers him (the dad).  Changing statements from “you need to change this” to “it really bothers me when…, and I’d really appreciate it if you would…” avoids a power struggle between teen and parent, lets the teenager know his/her parent loves him/her, and the teen will be more willing to change.  Recognizing who is affected by the problem will help parents know how to better help their teens change undesired behavior.

There are many aspects of “active” parenting that I can’t cover in here.  Overall, teenagers struggle with gaining independence and trying to discover themselves.  The physiological changes teens go through, coupled with the social pressures they are surrounded with, can be difficult to manage.  Loving, “active” parents can help their teenagers to better manage struggles in their lives, protect them, and prepare them to live in the world around them as responsible adults.

Are mothers' education wasted on the home?

Many people argue that motherhood is a subservient role and a waste of a woman's education.  People argue that educated women have the obligation to use their education in the workplace, and that women who choose to be stay at home mothers are doing themselves and their families a disservice.  Whatever their argument, the advocates of such a position are dead wrong.  Growing up in a home with a stay at home mom was an enormous blessing in my life, and my mother helped shape me into the person I am today.  Motherhood is the greatest career a woman can aspire to, and her education is an invaluable tool in helping her raise and influence her children.

In an article by Dennis Prager, Prager argues that women do not "swap [their] mind[s] for a mop".  Rather, Prager argues that there are many opportunities for women to further their education and expand their knowledge inside the walls of their own home.  Prager argues that women have even more opportunities than men, much of the time, to grow intellectually.  Women have the chance to watch the news, documentaries, and so forth on the television.. They can read books, listen to the radio, or take classes online or at the local college.  Men, on the other hand, do not necessarily have the same amount of opportunities to learn as women.  Men go to work, do the same thing they do every day, sometimes even robotically, and then go home.  They do not find as many opportunities to expand their intellect.

Likewise, in the article "A Woman's Education is not Wasted in the Home", Jenet Erickson argues that educated women in the home can influence their children in phenomenal ways.  Women raise the children that become the next generation of leaders, lawyers, businessmen, doctors, and so forth.  Erickson argues that educated women can help raise their children in a more educated, perhaps effective, way than non-educated women.  She states that mothers can help their children grow intellectually because they are intellectual themselves. 

I am in full agreement with both Dennis Prager and Jenet Jacob Erickson in the sense that women can have many opportunities to learn in the home and that their education directly influences their children's futures.  As Erickson argues, mothers raise the next generation. Therefore, it is essential for women to be educated because they will have the ability to be innovative and raise their children better.  When a woman is educated, she will value the value of education and pass that on to her children.  Children will then, in turn, contribute more to society in the future.  Thus, the greatest career a woman can pursue is that of a wife and mother because no one can influence her children in the same way she can.  Mothers can change the world and heal society more than the average woman in the workplace. 

Women have great learning opportunities in the home as well.  As Prager mentions, being in the workplace does not mean that a man will have any more education opportunities or chances to use his education than a woman at home.  I work in a factory during the winter, and I have to tell you, I have never had a more mind numbing job in my entire life.  Working does not mean learning. 

There have been many women who have greatly changed society for the better from behind a desk.  However, educated women can have a greater influence on the world than any average woman in the workplace.  In my personal experience, having a stay-at-home mom was one of the greatest blessings of my childhood, and my mother had a greater influence on me than anyone else in the world, with the possible exception of my father.  When more women decide to make their children their first priority, we will see society flourish.

But what about me?

     Many families receive the devastating news that one of their children has been diagnosed with a terminal illness.  These families are crushed and try to find ways to cope with the sickness and subsequent loss of their child.  They spend extra time with that child, they do special things for that child, and so forth.  That is completely understandable.  More time has to be spent on the child with the illness because he/she needs not only emotional support, but he/she needs his/her parents there to take him/her to their doctor appointments and other places.  Unfortunately, many parents get so preoccupied and worried about their one child, that they can neglect their other familial relationships.  When parents focus so much attention on the child with the illness, the relationships with the other children and spouse can be damaged.

     Now, don't get me wrong.  When a family has a sick child, it is horrible.  It is obvious that that family would want to spend extra time with and do more with that child, seeing as how they do not have much time left.  That is a good thing.  The only concern is that while that happens, the other children are neglected, and they need parental support just as much as the child with the illness.

     When the other children go neglected, they can begin to foster feelings of jealousy, resentment, loneliness, and guilt.  The siblings of the sick child are torn apart inside.  They are losing their brother or sister, and the grief (especially if they are younger) can be too much for them to bear.  They feel a deep sense of loss, and need their parents there more than ever to help them learn how to cope.  When the parents are hyperfocused on the sick child, the siblings no longer have someone that can help them deal with the wide range of emotions they are feeling.  They start to feel lonely.  They begin to be jealous of all the time and attention their sick sibling is getting while they are being forgotten in the background.  When the illness of their brother or sister begins to affect how they live their life, such as not being able to spend time with friends for fear of bringing dangerous germs home, or not being able to participate, or having their parents come watch them participate, in extracurricular activities at school, and so forth they start to foster feelings of resentment and jealousy as well.  They are angry that they can no longer do the things they want, or have their parents there to support them in the activities they do.  However, these siblings start to feel guilt as well, because they know their brother or sister is dying, they know it is not the sick sibling's fault, and thus they feel horrible that they feel such resentment toward him/her.  They then, in turn, need their parents there to help them navigate their emotions of not only sadness, but anger, guilt, resentment, and so forth; but when the parents have all their time and attention invested in the sick child, the other siblings have nowhere to turn. 

     Risk factors revolve around the married couple relationship as well.  Feelings of resentment could set in if one parents seems to spend more time with the sick child than the other.  Feelings of blame could ensue if the one spouse perceives that the child is sick or dying due to something the other one did.  So much attention is given the sick child, that the married couple stops nurturing their relationship to ensure that each spouse is receiving the adequate emotional help he/she needs to cope with this crisis.  Both spouses are hurting, and they need to rely on one another for comfort and support.  If parents are not careful and they let their marriage go unattended, the death of a child can create rifts in the relationship that can be extremely difficult to repair. 

     These problems do not have to overcome all families, however.  Armed with this knowledge, families can use the time they have left with their sick child to draw closer to one another.  The family must be open with their emotions and be available to meet each others' needs, not just the needs of the sick child.  Families should do things together, participating in different activities that each family member likes to do.  Spouses should take the time to go on a date night once per week, leaving their worries behind so that each can nurture their relationship and allow the stresses of the situation be eased from their minds for a few hours.  There are many things a family can do to better cope with such a tragedy.

     Once again, do not get me wrong, I am not trying to say that families with sick children need to go on as if nothing is wrong.  Having a terminally ill child is a major tragedy.  However, the key thing is how the family copes with the crisis.  Too often the other siblings and marital relationship are neglected, and problems can arise.  When families understand this and take the time to create lasting bonds with one another, they can learn to rely on, trust, and love one another even more than before.

How families best cope with stress

     Stressful events occur all of the time in families.  Sometimes, the stressful events that occur are so difficult that they can be labeled a crisis.  A crisis is when something drastic happens that forces the family to change its structure and way it functions in order to cope with the problem.  Some families deal with crisis better than others.  The families that cope with stress the best are the ones that turn to and rely on one another for support.

     While there are several ways in which families can learn to rely on one another for support during a crisis, I will only mention two.  The first way in which families can support one another can be through performing various labors for one another and picking up any slack another leaves off.  An example can be found after the birth of a new child.  When a new baby is born, parents are excited and nervous at the same time.  Sometimes, especially right after childbirth, the mother is physically unable to perform her usual tasks around the house.  When that happens, the husband can step in and show his love for his wife by picking up the slack.  The husband can be in charge of caring for many of the basic needs of the baby, cleaning the home, cooking, and so forth.  When the husband helps his wife in such a way, their reliance on, trust in, and love for one another increases.  If a husband was lazy and chose not to help his wife through the difficult time after childbirth, resentment could set in and a rift could begin to form between the couple.

     The second, and most important, way a family can rely on one another, thus becoming strengthened through the crisis, is by supporting one another emotionally.  Rarely is a crisis a fun experience to pass through.  Much heartache, anger, blame, and so forth can be experienced.  An example could be found in a child that accidentally burns down his home.  The child would probably blame himself for the accident and feel ashamed and guilty.  Parents could be distraught and worry about how to pay for all the damages to the home as well as the costs of living somewhere else for a time.  Blame could be thrown around and resentment could set in as schedules change and family tensions rise as dad has to take extra shifts at work.  However, if that same family came together and counseled with one another, learned to express their emotions openly with one another, and made a conceded effort to strengthen one another and bolster each other up emotionally, new found hope could kindle and love could flourish.  Families that support one another emotionally are the ones that tend to come through crisis successfully.

     Life is full of surprises.  Crisis can occur at any moment and, if people let it, could destroy family ties.  Families that learn to cope with stress by leaning on and supporting one another can get through much of life's difficulties successfully and will become more dependent on one another in the process.  Effective coping is an invaluable tool for families and individuals across the globe.

The why of affairs and how to prevent them

     Many people have the mistaken assumption that affairs are all about sex. While affairs can involve sex, it is not always the case.  Affairs occur because a spouse feels less often a lack of his/her sexual needs being met (although this can be a factor), but rather that his/her emotional needs are not being met. 
     When couples decide to get married, it is a joyous occasion and emotions run high.  Both partners love one another and cannot see ever drifting apart.  Couples that are dating and then newly married often show displays of affection, appreciation, admiration, and so on without even thinking twice.  Newly married couples naively enter marriage thinking everything will be rainbows and sunshine.  Unfortunately, that is not the case.
     It can be easy for married couples to let the monotonous routines of life take over.  Suddenly, displays of affection are less frequent, and admiration and appreciation expressed less often.  Couples can get caught up in the day to day tasks of going to work, cleaning the house, taking care of the kids, and so on.  Suddenly, conversations focus more on the business of everyday life and romantic life fizzles.  When marriage relationships turn more into a type of business relationship, it opens the door for danger.
     When the romance dies in a marriage, one or both partners feel as if their sexual and emotional needs are not being met.  When someone else of the opposite work starts to show interest in him/her at work, church, school, or so forth, it can be easy for that spouse to feel excited and reciprocate.  Finally, someone is "meeting" their emotional needs.  Then, affairs happen.  The affair is new, exciting, romantic.  When the other spouse finds out, the marriage struggles and sometimes dies.  The spouse that had the affair sometimes divorces his/her spouse and marries the person he/she had the affair with, thinking that the romance will continue and will be as exciting as ever. 
     The sad thing so many people come to realize is that such sexual infidelity does not bring the excitement or happiness they had hoped for.  After marrying the affair partner, life is exciting for a little while, until the monotony sets in again and the relationship becomes more like a business relationship again.  Too late that spouse realizes that the affair was not the solution to his/her emotional needs not being met, but working on his/her current marriage is what would have done it.  The spouse bemoans their fate as they learn the excitement of the affair came from the secrecy, wrongness, and anxiety it produced. 
     This morning I was watching the case of a man in Utah that was accused of murdering his wife.  He wanted to marry the woman he had been having an affair with without getting divorced and thus having to face the shame of being a divorced man in church.  Watching the trial on television I suddenly thought about affairs starting because one of the spouses feels as if their needs aren't being met and/or that they are bored and an affair seems exciting.  Then, how sad it would be for that man, after murdering his wife (if he did) and marrying the woman he had an affair with, to learn that he truly did love his wife and that he is stuck in the same monotony that he was with his wife and that the only exciting thing was the secrecy and wrongness of the affair.

     The best way to prevent an affair is to nurture the relationship that you have now.  We always hear the adage "the grass is always greener on the other side".  I prefer the phrase made by Robert Fulghum that "the grass is not, in fact, always greener on the other side of the fence. Fences have nothing to do with it. The grass is greenest where it is watered. When crossing over fences, carry water with you and tend the grass wherever you may be."  Tend to your marriage now.  Take just a few minutes out of every day to show appreciation for one another, show affection, express admiration, and take an interest in your spouse by just talking.  Go on a weekly date.  Do the things that you did when you were dating, things that seemed to come so easy and naturally, and the romance will burn again.

The importance of the husband being in the delivery room

     Childbirth is an exciting and nerve-racking time for a husband and wife.  Wives go through so many emotional and physical changes and it can be easy for the husband to be ignorant of those changes.  The wife has the advantage of being able to create a special bond with her child as it grow inside her that a husband can never fully understand.  However, unfortunately, so often wives do not include their husbands in the childbirth process before, during, or after the child is born.  Often, wives turn to their mothers for comfort, advice, support, and so on, and exclude the husband.  Such actions can cause rifts in a marriage and can hinder the husband's ability to bond with his unborn child as well as his wife.  Even though there are many things a wife can do to help include her husband in this new experience of becoming a parent (such as letting him feel the baby kick and explain what it feels like, the wife explaining her emotions to him, letting the husband learn to take care of the baby little by little without receiving tons of criticisms), I'll just talk about the time in the delivery room.

     When the time comes for the baby to be delivered, many things can happen that can either strengthen the family bond between husband, wife, and child, or cause a divide to form between them.  For many women, the first thing they want when they are in the delivery room is have their mothers there beside them.  That is understandable, since the mothers have experience in childbirth and will know how to comfort their daughters, how to coach them, how to say things at the right time, and so on.  Time and time again, husbands and kicked back into the corner as mother and daughter go through the experience of childbirth together.  Suddenly, the child is born and the mother and daughter are there sharing in the experience together, while the husband remains in the corner, devastated, heartbroken, and, at times, crying.  He is excluded from experiencing the joy of seeing his child being brought into the world and holding her/him for the first time.  These same couples so often find their marriages falling apart years down the line.

     There is a better, more elevated, loving way for couples to go through the childbirth experience together.  Husbands might not be the best coaches, but they need to learn.  They might not know what to do and when to do it, but they need to learn.  As mothers are kept out of the room and husband and wife go through the process of childbirth together, husbands, wife, and child bond in a greater, more sacred way than they did before.  The wife learns to rely on her husband more.  The husband learns how to support and take care of his wife better.  Both can experience the joy of seeing their child come into the world for the first time.  More love and joy can be expressed between them and husband and wife learn even more fully to become one.

     The experience in the delivery room is only one of many experiences husbands and wives must share together.  When wives or husbands turn to third parties for support, love, comfort, and so on instead of one another, in whatever circumstance, couples are unable to develop dependency on one another and rifts form between the couple.  Husbands and wives need to learn to become one, turning toward one another instead of away.  Sharing in the childbirth experience together is a type of what couples should do always.  As couples turn toward each other instead of away, they develop stronger, happier marriages and families.