Divorce is hard on everyone. Even the divorces that seem to go smoothly still leave emotional scars on the couple and especially the children. Such emotional trauma happens when parents remarry. Suddenly, the children's loyalties and feelings of love are split between both sets of parents. Divorce and remarriage are difficult on everyone, especially children, and parents should do what they can to avoid causing any more challenges for their children.
When parents remarry, children are caught in a double bind. A double bind is when whatever a child does will irritate one of his/her parents. In remarriage, if children begin to feel fond of or positively towards their stepparent, the other parent will feel cheated and angry. For example, if children begin to feel fondly of their stepmother, their mother might become angry and begin to chastize her children. If those same children foster feelings of resentment towards their stepmother, their father will get angry and scold them for not loving her. In both cases, children are left confused and torn.
Parents should do what they can to prevent divorce and, if already divorced, not cause their children any more confusion and stress by splitting their loyalties. Parents can act civil towards one another in front of their children. Parents should not triangle in, or argue with one another through their children. If parents do not allow their children to love them and their stepparents equally, or to simply show fondness towards stepparents, children will suffer more than the parents.
Remarried families are difficult to manage. Coping with divorce and the idea of their parents never getting back together is difficult enough for kids to bear. Parents can do much to help ease the burden of living in a remarried family for their children.
Saturday, December 14, 2013
Friday, December 6, 2013
How to raise a teenager
Teenagers can be extremely
difficult. Many parents are left wondering "what am I doing
wrong?", or "why doesn't my teenager show me more respect?", or
even "why doesn't my teenager obey my rules?" Through experience and
studies, family scientists have created the method of “active parenting” to
help parents better meet the needs of their child as well as gain the obedience
they want from their teen. The active
parenting approach is an effective way of parenting that can make the job of
parenting a little more manageable and gain more results.
Teenagers are going through a very
difficult time in their lives. Teenagers’
bodies are developing outwardly and inwardly in ways they might not
understand. One of the most difficult
aspects of this growth for both teens and their parents is the teen’s brain
development. The brain develops in
stages, with the prefrontal cortex developing last. The prefrontal cortex is in charge of reasoning,
morality, emotion regulation, and so forth.
Even worse, teenagers live in a world that encourages promiscuity, drug
abuse, rebellion against authority, and so on. No wonder teenagers struggle so much. Teenagers need strong support from their
parents as they go through this time of life.
Parents need to maintain strong
support for their teens and allow them to grow in independence, but within
parental limitations. The “active” style
of parenting allows parents to do just that.
When parents are “active” in their children’s lives, they allow their
children to grow and gain experience for themselves, sometimes learning through
the natural consequences that come from negative decisions. Parents that are “active”, rather than “authoritarian”
(like a dictator) or “passive” (like a door-mat), they respect their children’s
agency and work with their children in a more democratic manner. “Active” parents sit down with their children
and establish rules together, listening to the input from the teenager. “Active” parents allow their teenagers to
think of logical consequences for disobeying the rules that they set down
together. They encourage their children
on a frequent basis, recognizing and encouraging their good behavior and
helping them feel good about themselves.
“Active” parents express their concerns with their children when it
comes to drugs, sex, school, and so on. In
short, “active” parents respect their child’s independence, giving them room to
grow, while maintaining strong limits through rules.
One of the most important aspects
of “active” parenting is by recognizing who owns the problem. Often, parents get caught up with the idea
that if there’s a problem, it’s their teenager’s fault and they need to change
it. In other words, the teenager “owns”
the problem. However, more often than
not the parents are the ones that actually own the problem. For example, if a father does not like what
his son puts on his facebook profile and wants him to change it, the father is
the one that owns the problem, and he needs to be the one to help encourage his
son, in a loving way, to change it because it bothers him (the dad). Changing statements from “you need to change
this” to “it really bothers me when…, and I’d really appreciate it if you would…”
avoids a power struggle between teen and parent, lets the teenager know his/her
parent loves him/her, and the teen will be more willing to change. Recognizing who is affected by the problem
will help parents know how to better help their teens change undesired
behavior.
There are many aspects of “active”
parenting that I can’t cover in here.
Overall, teenagers struggle with gaining independence and trying to
discover themselves. The physiological
changes teens go through, coupled with the social pressures they are surrounded
with, can be difficult to manage. Loving,
“active” parents can help their teenagers to better manage struggles in their
lives, protect them, and prepare them to live in the world around them as
responsible adults.
Saturday, November 30, 2013
Are mothers' education wasted on the home?
Many people argue that motherhood is a subservient role and a waste of a woman's education. People argue that educated women have the obligation to use their education in the workplace, and that women who choose to be stay at home mothers are doing themselves and their families a disservice. Whatever their argument, the advocates of such a position are dead wrong. Growing up in a home with a stay at home mom was an enormous blessing in my life, and my mother helped shape me into the person I am today. Motherhood is the greatest career a woman can aspire to, and her education is an invaluable tool in helping her raise and influence her children.
In an article by Dennis Prager, Prager argues that women do not "swap [their] mind[s] for a mop". Rather, Prager argues that there are many opportunities for women to further their education and expand their knowledge inside the walls of their own home. Prager argues that women have even more opportunities than men, much of the time, to grow intellectually. Women have the chance to watch the news, documentaries, and so forth on the television.. They can read books, listen to the radio, or take classes online or at the local college. Men, on the other hand, do not necessarily have the same amount of opportunities to learn as women. Men go to work, do the same thing they do every day, sometimes even robotically, and then go home. They do not find as many opportunities to expand their intellect.
Likewise, in the article "A Woman's Education is not Wasted in the Home", Jenet Erickson argues that educated women in the home can influence their children in phenomenal ways. Women raise the children that become the next generation of leaders, lawyers, businessmen, doctors, and so forth. Erickson argues that educated women can help raise their children in a more educated, perhaps effective, way than non-educated women. She states that mothers can help their children grow intellectually because they are intellectual themselves.
I am in full agreement with both Dennis Prager and Jenet Jacob Erickson in the sense that women can have many opportunities to learn in the home and that their education directly influences their children's futures. As Erickson argues, mothers raise the next generation. Therefore, it is essential for women to be educated because they will have the ability to be innovative and raise their children better. When a woman is educated, she will value the value of education and pass that on to her children. Children will then, in turn, contribute more to society in the future. Thus, the greatest career a woman can pursue is that of a wife and mother because no one can influence her children in the same way she can. Mothers can change the world and heal society more than the average woman in the workplace.
Women have great learning opportunities in the home as well. As Prager mentions, being in the workplace does not mean that a man will have any more education opportunities or chances to use his education than a woman at home. I work in a factory during the winter, and I have to tell you, I have never had a more mind numbing job in my entire life. Working does not mean learning.
There have been many women who have greatly changed society for the better from behind a desk. However, educated women can have a greater influence on the world than any average woman in the workplace. In my personal experience, having a stay-at-home mom was one of the greatest blessings of my childhood, and my mother had a greater influence on me than anyone else in the world, with the possible exception of my father. When more women decide to make their children their first priority, we will see society flourish.
Likewise, in the article "A Woman's Education is not Wasted in the Home", Jenet Erickson argues that educated women in the home can influence their children in phenomenal ways. Women raise the children that become the next generation of leaders, lawyers, businessmen, doctors, and so forth. Erickson argues that educated women can help raise their children in a more educated, perhaps effective, way than non-educated women. She states that mothers can help their children grow intellectually because they are intellectual themselves.
I am in full agreement with both Dennis Prager and Jenet Jacob Erickson in the sense that women can have many opportunities to learn in the home and that their education directly influences their children's futures. As Erickson argues, mothers raise the next generation. Therefore, it is essential for women to be educated because they will have the ability to be innovative and raise their children better. When a woman is educated, she will value the value of education and pass that on to her children. Children will then, in turn, contribute more to society in the future. Thus, the greatest career a woman can pursue is that of a wife and mother because no one can influence her children in the same way she can. Mothers can change the world and heal society more than the average woman in the workplace.
Women have great learning opportunities in the home as well. As Prager mentions, being in the workplace does not mean that a man will have any more education opportunities or chances to use his education than a woman at home. I work in a factory during the winter, and I have to tell you, I have never had a more mind numbing job in my entire life. Working does not mean learning.
There have been many women who have greatly changed society for the better from behind a desk. However, educated women can have a greater influence on the world than any average woman in the workplace. In my personal experience, having a stay-at-home mom was one of the greatest blessings of my childhood, and my mother had a greater influence on me than anyone else in the world, with the possible exception of my father. When more women decide to make their children their first priority, we will see society flourish.
Saturday, November 23, 2013
But what about me?
Many families receive the devastating news that one of their children has been diagnosed with a terminal illness. These families are crushed and try to find ways to cope with the sickness and subsequent loss of their child. They spend extra time with that child, they do special things for that child, and so forth. That is completely understandable. More time has to be spent on the child with the illness because he/she needs not only emotional support, but he/she needs his/her parents there to take him/her to their doctor appointments and other places. Unfortunately, many parents get so preoccupied and worried about their one child, that they can neglect their other familial relationships. When parents focus so much attention on the child with the illness, the relationships with the other children and spouse can be damaged.
Now, don't get me wrong. When a family has a sick child, it is horrible. It is obvious that that family would want to spend extra time with and do more with that child, seeing as how they do not have much time left. That is a good thing. The only concern is that while that happens, the other children are neglected, and they need parental support just as much as the child with the illness.
When the other children go neglected, they can begin to foster feelings of jealousy, resentment, loneliness, and guilt. The siblings of the sick child are torn apart inside. They are losing their brother or sister, and the grief (especially if they are younger) can be too much for them to bear. They feel a deep sense of loss, and need their parents there more than ever to help them learn how to cope. When the parents are hyperfocused on the sick child, the siblings no longer have someone that can help them deal with the wide range of emotions they are feeling. They start to feel lonely. They begin to be jealous of all the time and attention their sick sibling is getting while they are being forgotten in the background. When the illness of their brother or sister begins to affect how they live their life, such as not being able to spend time with friends for fear of bringing dangerous germs home, or not being able to participate, or having their parents come watch them participate, in extracurricular activities at school, and so forth they start to foster feelings of resentment and jealousy as well. They are angry that they can no longer do the things they want, or have their parents there to support them in the activities they do. However, these siblings start to feel guilt as well, because they know their brother or sister is dying, they know it is not the sick sibling's fault, and thus they feel horrible that they feel such resentment toward him/her. They then, in turn, need their parents there to help them navigate their emotions of not only sadness, but anger, guilt, resentment, and so forth; but when the parents have all their time and attention invested in the sick child, the other siblings have nowhere to turn.
Risk factors revolve around the married couple relationship as well. Feelings of resentment could set in if one parents seems to spend more time with the sick child than the other. Feelings of blame could ensue if the one spouse perceives that the child is sick or dying due to something the other one did. So much attention is given the sick child, that the married couple stops nurturing their relationship to ensure that each spouse is receiving the adequate emotional help he/she needs to cope with this crisis. Both spouses are hurting, and they need to rely on one another for comfort and support. If parents are not careful and they let their marriage go unattended, the death of a child can create rifts in the relationship that can be extremely difficult to repair.
These problems do not have to overcome all families, however. Armed with this knowledge, families can use the time they have left with their sick child to draw closer to one another. The family must be open with their emotions and be available to meet each others' needs, not just the needs of the sick child. Families should do things together, participating in different activities that each family member likes to do. Spouses should take the time to go on a date night once per week, leaving their worries behind so that each can nurture their relationship and allow the stresses of the situation be eased from their minds for a few hours. There are many things a family can do to better cope with such a tragedy.
Once again, do not get me wrong, I am not trying to say that families with sick children need to go on as if nothing is wrong. Having a terminally ill child is a major tragedy. However, the key thing is how the family copes with the crisis. Too often the other siblings and marital relationship are neglected, and problems can arise. When families understand this and take the time to create lasting bonds with one another, they can learn to rely on, trust, and love one another even more than before.
Now, don't get me wrong. When a family has a sick child, it is horrible. It is obvious that that family would want to spend extra time with and do more with that child, seeing as how they do not have much time left. That is a good thing. The only concern is that while that happens, the other children are neglected, and they need parental support just as much as the child with the illness.
When the other children go neglected, they can begin to foster feelings of jealousy, resentment, loneliness, and guilt. The siblings of the sick child are torn apart inside. They are losing their brother or sister, and the grief (especially if they are younger) can be too much for them to bear. They feel a deep sense of loss, and need their parents there more than ever to help them learn how to cope. When the parents are hyperfocused on the sick child, the siblings no longer have someone that can help them deal with the wide range of emotions they are feeling. They start to feel lonely. They begin to be jealous of all the time and attention their sick sibling is getting while they are being forgotten in the background. When the illness of their brother or sister begins to affect how they live their life, such as not being able to spend time with friends for fear of bringing dangerous germs home, or not being able to participate, or having their parents come watch them participate, in extracurricular activities at school, and so forth they start to foster feelings of resentment and jealousy as well. They are angry that they can no longer do the things they want, or have their parents there to support them in the activities they do. However, these siblings start to feel guilt as well, because they know their brother or sister is dying, they know it is not the sick sibling's fault, and thus they feel horrible that they feel such resentment toward him/her. They then, in turn, need their parents there to help them navigate their emotions of not only sadness, but anger, guilt, resentment, and so forth; but when the parents have all their time and attention invested in the sick child, the other siblings have nowhere to turn.
Risk factors revolve around the married couple relationship as well. Feelings of resentment could set in if one parents seems to spend more time with the sick child than the other. Feelings of blame could ensue if the one spouse perceives that the child is sick or dying due to something the other one did. So much attention is given the sick child, that the married couple stops nurturing their relationship to ensure that each spouse is receiving the adequate emotional help he/she needs to cope with this crisis. Both spouses are hurting, and they need to rely on one another for comfort and support. If parents are not careful and they let their marriage go unattended, the death of a child can create rifts in the relationship that can be extremely difficult to repair.
These problems do not have to overcome all families, however. Armed with this knowledge, families can use the time they have left with their sick child to draw closer to one another. The family must be open with their emotions and be available to meet each others' needs, not just the needs of the sick child. Families should do things together, participating in different activities that each family member likes to do. Spouses should take the time to go on a date night once per week, leaving their worries behind so that each can nurture their relationship and allow the stresses of the situation be eased from their minds for a few hours. There are many things a family can do to better cope with such a tragedy.
Once again, do not get me wrong, I am not trying to say that families with sick children need to go on as if nothing is wrong. Having a terminally ill child is a major tragedy. However, the key thing is how the family copes with the crisis. Too often the other siblings and marital relationship are neglected, and problems can arise. When families understand this and take the time to create lasting bonds with one another, they can learn to rely on, trust, and love one another even more than before.
Friday, November 15, 2013
How families best cope with stress
Stressful events occur all of the time in families. Sometimes, the stressful events that occur are so difficult that they can be labeled a crisis. A crisis is when something drastic happens that forces the family to change its structure and way it functions in order to cope with the problem. Some families deal with crisis better than others. The families that cope with stress the best are the ones that turn to and rely on one another for support.
While there are several ways in which families can learn to rely on one another for support during a crisis, I will only mention two. The first way in which families can support one another can be through performing various labors for one another and picking up any slack another leaves off. An example can be found after the birth of a new child. When a new baby is born, parents are excited and nervous at the same time. Sometimes, especially right after childbirth, the mother is physically unable to perform her usual tasks around the house. When that happens, the husband can step in and show his love for his wife by picking up the slack. The husband can be in charge of caring for many of the basic needs of the baby, cleaning the home, cooking, and so forth. When the husband helps his wife in such a way, their reliance on, trust in, and love for one another increases. If a husband was lazy and chose not to help his wife through the difficult time after childbirth, resentment could set in and a rift could begin to form between the couple.
The second, and most important, way a family can rely on one another, thus becoming strengthened through the crisis, is by supporting one another emotionally. Rarely is a crisis a fun experience to pass through. Much heartache, anger, blame, and so forth can be experienced. An example could be found in a child that accidentally burns down his home. The child would probably blame himself for the accident and feel ashamed and guilty. Parents could be distraught and worry about how to pay for all the damages to the home as well as the costs of living somewhere else for a time. Blame could be thrown around and resentment could set in as schedules change and family tensions rise as dad has to take extra shifts at work. However, if that same family came together and counseled with one another, learned to express their emotions openly with one another, and made a conceded effort to strengthen one another and bolster each other up emotionally, new found hope could kindle and love could flourish. Families that support one another emotionally are the ones that tend to come through crisis successfully.
Life is full of surprises. Crisis can occur at any moment and, if people let it, could destroy family ties. Families that learn to cope with stress by leaning on and supporting one another can get through much of life's difficulties successfully and will become more dependent on one another in the process. Effective coping is an invaluable tool for families and individuals across the globe.
While there are several ways in which families can learn to rely on one another for support during a crisis, I will only mention two. The first way in which families can support one another can be through performing various labors for one another and picking up any slack another leaves off. An example can be found after the birth of a new child. When a new baby is born, parents are excited and nervous at the same time. Sometimes, especially right after childbirth, the mother is physically unable to perform her usual tasks around the house. When that happens, the husband can step in and show his love for his wife by picking up the slack. The husband can be in charge of caring for many of the basic needs of the baby, cleaning the home, cooking, and so forth. When the husband helps his wife in such a way, their reliance on, trust in, and love for one another increases. If a husband was lazy and chose not to help his wife through the difficult time after childbirth, resentment could set in and a rift could begin to form between the couple.
The second, and most important, way a family can rely on one another, thus becoming strengthened through the crisis, is by supporting one another emotionally. Rarely is a crisis a fun experience to pass through. Much heartache, anger, blame, and so forth can be experienced. An example could be found in a child that accidentally burns down his home. The child would probably blame himself for the accident and feel ashamed and guilty. Parents could be distraught and worry about how to pay for all the damages to the home as well as the costs of living somewhere else for a time. Blame could be thrown around and resentment could set in as schedules change and family tensions rise as dad has to take extra shifts at work. However, if that same family came together and counseled with one another, learned to express their emotions openly with one another, and made a conceded effort to strengthen one another and bolster each other up emotionally, new found hope could kindle and love could flourish. Families that support one another emotionally are the ones that tend to come through crisis successfully.
Life is full of surprises. Crisis can occur at any moment and, if people let it, could destroy family ties. Families that learn to cope with stress by leaning on and supporting one another can get through much of life's difficulties successfully and will become more dependent on one another in the process. Effective coping is an invaluable tool for families and individuals across the globe.
Friday, November 8, 2013
The why of affairs and how to prevent them
Many people have the mistaken assumption that affairs are all about sex. While affairs can involve sex, it is not always the case. Affairs occur because a spouse feels less often a lack of his/her sexual needs being met (although this can be a factor), but rather that his/her emotional needs are not being met.
When couples decide to get married, it is a joyous occasion and emotions run high. Both partners love one another and cannot see ever drifting apart. Couples that are dating and then newly married often show displays of affection, appreciation, admiration, and so on without even thinking twice. Newly married couples naively enter marriage thinking everything will be rainbows and sunshine. Unfortunately, that is not the case.
It can be easy for married couples to let the monotonous routines of life take over. Suddenly, displays of affection are less frequent, and admiration and appreciation expressed less often. Couples can get caught up in the day to day tasks of going to work, cleaning the house, taking care of the kids, and so on. Suddenly, conversations focus more on the business of everyday life and romantic life fizzles. When marriage relationships turn more into a type of business relationship, it opens the door for danger.
When the romance dies in a marriage, one or both partners feel as if their sexual and emotional needs are not being met. When someone else of the opposite work starts to show interest in him/her at work, church, school, or so forth, it can be easy for that spouse to feel excited and reciprocate. Finally, someone is "meeting" their emotional needs. Then, affairs happen. The affair is new, exciting, romantic. When the other spouse finds out, the marriage struggles and sometimes dies. The spouse that had the affair sometimes divorces his/her spouse and marries the person he/she had the affair with, thinking that the romance will continue and will be as exciting as ever.
The sad thing so many people come to realize is that such sexual infidelity does not bring the excitement or happiness they had hoped for. After marrying the affair partner, life is exciting for a little while, until the monotony sets in again and the relationship becomes more like a business relationship again. Too late that spouse realizes that the affair was not the solution to his/her emotional needs not being met, but working on his/her current marriage is what would have done it. The spouse bemoans their fate as they learn the excitement of the affair came from the secrecy, wrongness, and anxiety it produced.
This morning I was watching the case of a man in Utah that was accused of murdering his wife. He wanted to marry the woman he had been having an affair with without getting divorced and thus having to face the shame of being a divorced man in church. Watching the trial on television I suddenly thought about affairs starting because one of the spouses feels as if their needs aren't being met and/or that they are bored and an affair seems exciting. Then, how sad it would be for that man, after murdering his wife (if he did) and marrying the woman he had an affair with, to learn that he truly did love his wife and that he is stuck in the same monotony that he was with his wife and that the only exciting thing was the secrecy and wrongness of the affair.
When couples decide to get married, it is a joyous occasion and emotions run high. Both partners love one another and cannot see ever drifting apart. Couples that are dating and then newly married often show displays of affection, appreciation, admiration, and so on without even thinking twice. Newly married couples naively enter marriage thinking everything will be rainbows and sunshine. Unfortunately, that is not the case.
It can be easy for married couples to let the monotonous routines of life take over. Suddenly, displays of affection are less frequent, and admiration and appreciation expressed less often. Couples can get caught up in the day to day tasks of going to work, cleaning the house, taking care of the kids, and so on. Suddenly, conversations focus more on the business of everyday life and romantic life fizzles. When marriage relationships turn more into a type of business relationship, it opens the door for danger.
When the romance dies in a marriage, one or both partners feel as if their sexual and emotional needs are not being met. When someone else of the opposite work starts to show interest in him/her at work, church, school, or so forth, it can be easy for that spouse to feel excited and reciprocate. Finally, someone is "meeting" their emotional needs. Then, affairs happen. The affair is new, exciting, romantic. When the other spouse finds out, the marriage struggles and sometimes dies. The spouse that had the affair sometimes divorces his/her spouse and marries the person he/she had the affair with, thinking that the romance will continue and will be as exciting as ever.
The sad thing so many people come to realize is that such sexual infidelity does not bring the excitement or happiness they had hoped for. After marrying the affair partner, life is exciting for a little while, until the monotony sets in again and the relationship becomes more like a business relationship again. Too late that spouse realizes that the affair was not the solution to his/her emotional needs not being met, but working on his/her current marriage is what would have done it. The spouse bemoans their fate as they learn the excitement of the affair came from the secrecy, wrongness, and anxiety it produced.
This morning I was watching the case of a man in Utah that was accused of murdering his wife. He wanted to marry the woman he had been having an affair with without getting divorced and thus having to face the shame of being a divorced man in church. Watching the trial on television I suddenly thought about affairs starting because one of the spouses feels as if their needs aren't being met and/or that they are bored and an affair seems exciting. Then, how sad it would be for that man, after murdering his wife (if he did) and marrying the woman he had an affair with, to learn that he truly did love his wife and that he is stuck in the same monotony that he was with his wife and that the only exciting thing was the secrecy and wrongness of the affair.
The best way to prevent an affair is to nurture the relationship that you have now. We always hear the adage "the grass is always greener on the other side". I prefer the phrase made by Robert Fulghum that "the grass is not, in fact, always greener on the other side of the
fence. Fences have nothing to do with it. The grass is greenest where it
is watered. When crossing over fences, carry water with you and tend
the grass wherever you may be." Tend to your marriage now. Take just a few minutes out of every day to show appreciation for one another, show affection, express admiration, and take an interest in your spouse by just talking. Go on a weekly date. Do the things that you did when you were dating, things that seemed to come so easy and naturally, and the romance will burn again.
Friday, November 1, 2013
The importance of the husband being in the delivery room
Childbirth is an exciting and nerve-racking time for a husband and wife. Wives go through so many emotional and physical changes and it can be easy for the husband to be ignorant of those changes. The wife has the advantage of being able to create a special bond with her child as it grow inside her that a husband can never fully understand. However, unfortunately, so often wives do not include their husbands in the childbirth process before, during, or after the child is born. Often, wives turn to their mothers for comfort, advice, support, and so on, and exclude the husband. Such actions can cause rifts in a marriage and can hinder the husband's ability to bond with his unborn child as well as his wife. Even though there are many things a wife can do to help include her husband in this new experience of becoming a parent (such as letting him feel the baby kick and explain what it feels like, the wife explaining her emotions to him, letting the husband learn to take care of the baby little by little without receiving tons of criticisms), I'll just talk about the time in the delivery room.
When the time comes for the baby to be delivered, many things can happen that can either strengthen the family bond between husband, wife, and child, or cause a divide to form between them. For many women, the first thing they want when they are in the delivery room is have their mothers there beside them. That is understandable, since the mothers have experience in childbirth and will know how to comfort their daughters, how to coach them, how to say things at the right time, and so on. Time and time again, husbands and kicked back into the corner as mother and daughter go through the experience of childbirth together. Suddenly, the child is born and the mother and daughter are there sharing in the experience together, while the husband remains in the corner, devastated, heartbroken, and, at times, crying. He is excluded from experiencing the joy of seeing his child being brought into the world and holding her/him for the first time. These same couples so often find their marriages falling apart years down the line.
There is a better, more elevated, loving way for couples to go through the childbirth experience together. Husbands might not be the best coaches, but they need to learn. They might not know what to do and when to do it, but they need to learn. As mothers are kept out of the room and husband and wife go through the process of childbirth together, husbands, wife, and child bond in a greater, more sacred way than they did before. The wife learns to rely on her husband more. The husband learns how to support and take care of his wife better. Both can experience the joy of seeing their child come into the world for the first time. More love and joy can be expressed between them and husband and wife learn even more fully to become one.
The experience in the delivery room is only one of many experiences husbands and wives must share together. When wives or husbands turn to third parties for support, love, comfort, and so on instead of one another, in whatever circumstance, couples are unable to develop dependency on one another and rifts form between the couple. Husbands and wives need to learn to become one, turning toward one another instead of away. Sharing in the childbirth experience together is a type of what couples should do always. As couples turn toward each other instead of away, they develop stronger, happier marriages and families.
When the time comes for the baby to be delivered, many things can happen that can either strengthen the family bond between husband, wife, and child, or cause a divide to form between them. For many women, the first thing they want when they are in the delivery room is have their mothers there beside them. That is understandable, since the mothers have experience in childbirth and will know how to comfort their daughters, how to coach them, how to say things at the right time, and so on. Time and time again, husbands and kicked back into the corner as mother and daughter go through the experience of childbirth together. Suddenly, the child is born and the mother and daughter are there sharing in the experience together, while the husband remains in the corner, devastated, heartbroken, and, at times, crying. He is excluded from experiencing the joy of seeing his child being brought into the world and holding her/him for the first time. These same couples so often find their marriages falling apart years down the line.
There is a better, more elevated, loving way for couples to go through the childbirth experience together. Husbands might not be the best coaches, but they need to learn. They might not know what to do and when to do it, but they need to learn. As mothers are kept out of the room and husband and wife go through the process of childbirth together, husbands, wife, and child bond in a greater, more sacred way than they did before. The wife learns to rely on her husband more. The husband learns how to support and take care of his wife better. Both can experience the joy of seeing their child come into the world for the first time. More love and joy can be expressed between them and husband and wife learn even more fully to become one.
The experience in the delivery room is only one of many experiences husbands and wives must share together. When wives or husbands turn to third parties for support, love, comfort, and so on instead of one another, in whatever circumstance, couples are unable to develop dependency on one another and rifts form between the couple. Husbands and wives need to learn to become one, turning toward one another instead of away. Sharing in the childbirth experience together is a type of what couples should do always. As couples turn toward each other instead of away, they develop stronger, happier marriages and families.
Friday, October 25, 2013
What is love?
Television, movies, music, and all forms of popular media are saturated with the theme of love. People talk of love all the time. Some people meet for the first time and experience "love at first sight", while others are friends for long stretches of time before suddenly noticing one another and playing with the idea of dating and falling in love. Love is tied into all aspects of life.
However, love is not the same everywhere. Sometimes love is fleeting; sometimes it lasts a lifetime. Sometimes love comes without even desiring it. Unbeknownst to many, there are different kinds of love.
The Greeks had four different words for the word "love". First is philia. Philia is the love that is shared between siblings, or friends. Second is agape, or a love regardless of whether the giver likes the person he/she is loving or not. Third is eros, or erotic love. This is the passionate, romantic, sexual love that is glorified on the television screen and radio. Finally, there is storge, the love between a parent and child.
When it comes to a marriage relationship, a person may ask what the best kind or combination of the four kinds of love should be manifest. Many times, people mistakenly think that eros, or romantic love is all a couple needs. That is the idea the entertainment industry touts. Unfortunately, eros, or passionate love, is fleeting, coming and going like the wind. People use the word "infatuation" to describe the feeling of passionate love. However, when one person gets bored or struggles come, those that base their marriage relationship on passionate love will fall apart.
Thus, the best kind of love a married couple should have in reality should be a combination of the four. Passionate love is important and can make the relationship exciting, but as stated, without the other three, passionate love is not enough. Marriage must have a large amount of agape love, sometimes referred to as charity, because there will be many times when marriage partners will not see eye to eye, but they must and will love one another even when they do not like one another. Marriage must have a good amount of philia, or friendship love. Marriage partners that have a strong friendship and are able to maintain that friendship throughout their lives will be happier and will be better able to share an emotionally intimate relationship with one another. Husbands and wives rate having a strong friendship as a major component in maintaining a more satisfying sex life. Finally, storge love should be present, not in the same way a parent loves a child, but in the almost obligation they feel to love one another no matter what the other person does. Loving one another unconditionally allows spouses to flourish and depend on one another, each person knowing that they will always have someone there to love and support them. A healthy combination will help marriages prosper.
Love is more complex and beautiful than the popular media portrays. Love is not just a fleeting moment, nor simply a feeling. Love is something that is cherished, nurtured, and worked on. Loving someone is not always easy, but can bring the greatest satisfaction to life and marriage.
However, love is not the same everywhere. Sometimes love is fleeting; sometimes it lasts a lifetime. Sometimes love comes without even desiring it. Unbeknownst to many, there are different kinds of love.
The Greeks had four different words for the word "love". First is philia. Philia is the love that is shared between siblings, or friends. Second is agape, or a love regardless of whether the giver likes the person he/she is loving or not. Third is eros, or erotic love. This is the passionate, romantic, sexual love that is glorified on the television screen and radio. Finally, there is storge, the love between a parent and child.
When it comes to a marriage relationship, a person may ask what the best kind or combination of the four kinds of love should be manifest. Many times, people mistakenly think that eros, or romantic love is all a couple needs. That is the idea the entertainment industry touts. Unfortunately, eros, or passionate love, is fleeting, coming and going like the wind. People use the word "infatuation" to describe the feeling of passionate love. However, when one person gets bored or struggles come, those that base their marriage relationship on passionate love will fall apart.
Thus, the best kind of love a married couple should have in reality should be a combination of the four. Passionate love is important and can make the relationship exciting, but as stated, without the other three, passionate love is not enough. Marriage must have a large amount of agape love, sometimes referred to as charity, because there will be many times when marriage partners will not see eye to eye, but they must and will love one another even when they do not like one another. Marriage must have a good amount of philia, or friendship love. Marriage partners that have a strong friendship and are able to maintain that friendship throughout their lives will be happier and will be better able to share an emotionally intimate relationship with one another. Husbands and wives rate having a strong friendship as a major component in maintaining a more satisfying sex life. Finally, storge love should be present, not in the same way a parent loves a child, but in the almost obligation they feel to love one another no matter what the other person does. Loving one another unconditionally allows spouses to flourish and depend on one another, each person knowing that they will always have someone there to love and support them. A healthy combination will help marriages prosper.
Love is more complex and beautiful than the popular media portrays. Love is not just a fleeting moment, nor simply a feeling. Love is something that is cherished, nurtured, and worked on. Loving someone is not always easy, but can bring the greatest satisfaction to life and marriage.
Friday, October 18, 2013
For anyone who's interested in learning a little bit more about same sex attraction, the article by
A. Dean Byrd called "Homosexuality: Innate and Immutable? What Science Can and Cannot Say" in the book Understanding Same-Sex Attraction: Where to Turn and How to Help is very interesting.
A. Dean Byrd called "Homosexuality: Innate and Immutable? What Science Can and Cannot Say" in the book Understanding Same-Sex Attraction: Where to Turn and How to Help is very interesting.
What is same sex attraction really?
We hear in the media so much nowadays from gay and lesbian activists and others that homosexuality is a trait people are born with and cannot change. If that was the case, it would obviously make a lot of people upset that others would not want to legalize same sex marriage; after all, it would only be fair and make gays and lesbians feel good about themselves. Same sex attraction is not what it appears to be, however. Same sex attraction is based on psychological errors, people were not born with it.
How would people's attitudes change by discovering that same sex attraction was not biological like many said it was?
In 1998, the APA released a statement saying that same sex attraction was something people were born with. However, over the past several years, researchers have discovered that same sex attraction is rooted in psychological errors and not in a person's biological nature. In 2008, the APA released another statement saying that researchers cannot come to an agreement about the specific origins of same sex attraction, and that both nature and nurture had a role to play in same sex attraction.
In studies and throughout experience, many therapists and researchers have come to discover that same sex attraction has more to do with a person longing for a sense of emotional intimacy with a member of the same sex rather than any sexual desire in itself. For the sake of this blog, I'll use references to homosexual boys. In many cases, boys who later identify themselves as gay tended to enjoy more nurturing, creative, feminine activities than other boys at a young age. Rather than playing sports, these boys liked to play things such as dress up. As a result, those boys were rejected by their male counterparts and spend time with girls at the age when boys and girls begin to play with others of their own gender. Suddenly, at the ages 11-13, when boys begin to notice girls in a different, more sexual way, these boys who later identify as gay have already had girl friends, so girls are not mysterious or interesting to them. Rather, they are still stuck longing to just "fit in" with the guys. They want to be accepted by the guys, and later confuse these psychological needs with feelings of sexuality.
Those who identify themselves as "gay" later in life have a lot of past experiences in common. 75% of "gay" boys were the victims of sexual abuse as kids. Many say that these experiences confused them and that it wasn't what they wanted, but they liked feeling accepted by another guy as well as the feeling of being cared for that came with it. Interestingly enough, a boy tends to identify himself as "gay" on average within 5 months of their first sexual experience.
Many "gay" boys lacked feelings of affection and being loved because over 90% of "gay" men had problems with their father and were too close to their mothers. Their fathers showed little affection, were disappointed in their sons, and sometimes even had problems with alcohol and other things. The mothers would protect the sons from the father, would complain to the son about the father, and would share thoughts that were too intimate to share between a mother and son.
Societal labels are also detrimental to "gay" men. For example, when a young girl participates in sports and more masculine activities, society calls her a "tomboy". Tomboys are accepted in society, and some men even think tomboys are cool. However, if a boy finds more enjoyment in more feminine activities, society immediately throws the label of "gay" on him. Combating the label society puts on these boys can be confusing and difficult to overcome, especially when a young boy is trying to discover his identity.
Finally, homosexuals also tend to have higher rates of alcohol and substance abuse, suicidal tendencies, and depression. However, some argue that legalizing same sex marriage will cause these rates to decrease. It is interesting to note, however, that even in Denmark, where same sex marriage has already been legalized, rates of substance abuse, depression, and suicidal tendencies have not decreased.
In the midst of all the confusion, boys mistake their need for emotional connections with friends of the same gender with feelings of sexuality.
Many men who identify as "gay" actually want to change. Most "gay" men that come in to receive homosexual counseling are actually happy to learn about this research and that it is possible for them to be straight. Many are excited by the idea of being able to be a husband and a father in a traditional family. For many, once they come to this realization and begin to develop healthy relationships with members of the same sex, which fulfills the need for emotional intimacy with same sex friends, their same sex attraction begins to go away.
That is why the laws passed in California and New Jersey to outlaw homosexual reorientation therapy are so detrimental. First of all, these laws are an infringement on the basic human right these people have that want to receive such counseling. Second, these laws are very one sided, saying that if a homosexual wants to be more gay, that's just fine, but if they want to go straight, it's illegal to get counseling. Politicians and lobbyists do not look at the facts and do not care about the needs and wants of the few who want to get help. Rather, they are too focused on their own agenda and political gain.
Overall, the origin of same sex attraction is completely different from what people tend to believe. Same sex attraction is not something people are born with. Same sex attraction stems from people not having their needs of "fitting in" to the group of their same sex peers met, and many want to change.
How would people's attitudes change by discovering that same sex attraction was not biological like many said it was?
In 1998, the APA released a statement saying that same sex attraction was something people were born with. However, over the past several years, researchers have discovered that same sex attraction is rooted in psychological errors and not in a person's biological nature. In 2008, the APA released another statement saying that researchers cannot come to an agreement about the specific origins of same sex attraction, and that both nature and nurture had a role to play in same sex attraction.
In studies and throughout experience, many therapists and researchers have come to discover that same sex attraction has more to do with a person longing for a sense of emotional intimacy with a member of the same sex rather than any sexual desire in itself. For the sake of this blog, I'll use references to homosexual boys. In many cases, boys who later identify themselves as gay tended to enjoy more nurturing, creative, feminine activities than other boys at a young age. Rather than playing sports, these boys liked to play things such as dress up. As a result, those boys were rejected by their male counterparts and spend time with girls at the age when boys and girls begin to play with others of their own gender. Suddenly, at the ages 11-13, when boys begin to notice girls in a different, more sexual way, these boys who later identify as gay have already had girl friends, so girls are not mysterious or interesting to them. Rather, they are still stuck longing to just "fit in" with the guys. They want to be accepted by the guys, and later confuse these psychological needs with feelings of sexuality.
Those who identify themselves as "gay" later in life have a lot of past experiences in common. 75% of "gay" boys were the victims of sexual abuse as kids. Many say that these experiences confused them and that it wasn't what they wanted, but they liked feeling accepted by another guy as well as the feeling of being cared for that came with it. Interestingly enough, a boy tends to identify himself as "gay" on average within 5 months of their first sexual experience.
Many "gay" boys lacked feelings of affection and being loved because over 90% of "gay" men had problems with their father and were too close to their mothers. Their fathers showed little affection, were disappointed in their sons, and sometimes even had problems with alcohol and other things. The mothers would protect the sons from the father, would complain to the son about the father, and would share thoughts that were too intimate to share between a mother and son.
Societal labels are also detrimental to "gay" men. For example, when a young girl participates in sports and more masculine activities, society calls her a "tomboy". Tomboys are accepted in society, and some men even think tomboys are cool. However, if a boy finds more enjoyment in more feminine activities, society immediately throws the label of "gay" on him. Combating the label society puts on these boys can be confusing and difficult to overcome, especially when a young boy is trying to discover his identity.
Finally, homosexuals also tend to have higher rates of alcohol and substance abuse, suicidal tendencies, and depression. However, some argue that legalizing same sex marriage will cause these rates to decrease. It is interesting to note, however, that even in Denmark, where same sex marriage has already been legalized, rates of substance abuse, depression, and suicidal tendencies have not decreased.
In the midst of all the confusion, boys mistake their need for emotional connections with friends of the same gender with feelings of sexuality.
Many men who identify as "gay" actually want to change. Most "gay" men that come in to receive homosexual counseling are actually happy to learn about this research and that it is possible for them to be straight. Many are excited by the idea of being able to be a husband and a father in a traditional family. For many, once they come to this realization and begin to develop healthy relationships with members of the same sex, which fulfills the need for emotional intimacy with same sex friends, their same sex attraction begins to go away.
That is why the laws passed in California and New Jersey to outlaw homosexual reorientation therapy are so detrimental. First of all, these laws are an infringement on the basic human right these people have that want to receive such counseling. Second, these laws are very one sided, saying that if a homosexual wants to be more gay, that's just fine, but if they want to go straight, it's illegal to get counseling. Politicians and lobbyists do not look at the facts and do not care about the needs and wants of the few who want to get help. Rather, they are too focused on their own agenda and political gain.
Overall, the origin of same sex attraction is completely different from what people tend to believe. Same sex attraction is not something people are born with. Same sex attraction stems from people not having their needs of "fitting in" to the group of their same sex peers met, and many want to change.
Friday, October 11, 2013
Are all cultures equal in terms of being right and wrong, good and bad? Do we have the right to proclaim one set of values to be better than another?
Every culture brings a new perspective and approach to how to do things. Different cultures have different strengths and weaknesses. However, not every culture is valid in its views of right and wrong, and that is definitely the case when it comes to raising families.
Yes, cultures are are valid in the sense
that they bring new ideas to the table. They are valid in that people believe them, thus they exist. However, to
say that everyone is just as correct as everyone else is to embrace the
idea of relativity; that it does not matter what we do, there is no absolute truth, and people can do whatever they want and turn out just fine. That idea is false, for God has given to us, His children, the correct standards and commandments, or culture, to live by.
For example, for one person a truth might be that a
child should not receive any displays of affection and that the child
should raise himself. Others, that affection should be freely given and
that the child should have support from the parents. People can easily see
that children that come from homes with affectionate, supportive
parents fare better than those who do not. Thus, the idea of the
affectionate parent is correct, while the idea of the non-affectionate
parent is wrong.
God teaches the culture that is right and the culture that is wrong. That does not mean that God doesn't love
His children equally, but that He has eternal truths and standards that
are better than the standards of the world. The standard of living, or culture, God has given to the world is His gospel, and people fare better when they live by that standard.
Friday, October 4, 2013
Everyone belongs somewhere. High class, middle class, lower class, and everywhere in between is riddled with people. People are separated into classes based on how they dress, what hobbies they have, and the attitudes with which they carry themselves. Rarely do people change social class, probably because they are too comfortable in the class with which they are familiar. So often, people's social class is determined by the neighborhood, home, and family they grew up in.
Families have the greatest impact on what social class their children will wind up in. The social class of the parents usually determines the social class of the child, and the parents' social class is determined by culture as well as how much money they make. When a family makes a lot of money and can buy nicer things, suddenly that family can live in the quieter, friendlier neighborhood. Likewise, when a family makes a smaller income they are forced to live in a smaller, less comfortable home in the, stereotypically, dirtier, run-down, ghetto neighborhoods. The culture then labels that family a certain way, even if that label is incorrect. The worst part is that so often, even when good parents with lower incomes try to help their children live better lives than they did, their children tend to wind up in the same situation as the parents. On the other hand, sometimes children will wind up like their parents simply because parents were either too lazy or apathetic to try and improve their situation. Children emulate their parents, and so parents have the responsibility to try and become what they want their children to be. That is not always easy, nor does it mean parents have to be millionaires to be successful and raise children that will live better than their parents did. It simply means that parents owe it to their children to try; try and show their children the importance of striving to do and be their best. When parents strive to be examples to their children, their children are more likely to improve their living situations when they are older.
Belonging to a certain social class does not make a person any better or any worse than anyone. No one is better than anyone else. However, problems do exist depending on what social class a person belongs to. Studies show that people in middle to higher middle class tend to marry first and then have children. People in this social stratosphere tend to have less divorces overall as well. People in lower classes tend to have an increased amount of divorces, cohabitation rates, and children born out of wedlock. Divorce, cohabitation, and out of wedlock births are huge contributing factors to the disintegration of the family. When the family unit dissolves, society dissolves as well. Other studies show that children born into family situations such as single parents homes, cohabiting couples, divorced parents, and so on are at a disadvantage compared to children born into nuclear, two parent families with a mother and father. Furthermore, children born into families with such problems tend to perpetuate that culture; they are the ones that are more likely to divorce, cohabit, and have children out of wedlock. Thus it is a parent's duty to strive to provide the best life for their children.
Overall, the social class a person belongs to can determine how his/her child will end up. Even though it may not seem like it, money is a factor in potentially determining the future success or failure of children.
Families have the greatest impact on what social class their children will wind up in. The social class of the parents usually determines the social class of the child, and the parents' social class is determined by culture as well as how much money they make. When a family makes a lot of money and can buy nicer things, suddenly that family can live in the quieter, friendlier neighborhood. Likewise, when a family makes a smaller income they are forced to live in a smaller, less comfortable home in the, stereotypically, dirtier, run-down, ghetto neighborhoods. The culture then labels that family a certain way, even if that label is incorrect. The worst part is that so often, even when good parents with lower incomes try to help their children live better lives than they did, their children tend to wind up in the same situation as the parents. On the other hand, sometimes children will wind up like their parents simply because parents were either too lazy or apathetic to try and improve their situation. Children emulate their parents, and so parents have the responsibility to try and become what they want their children to be. That is not always easy, nor does it mean parents have to be millionaires to be successful and raise children that will live better than their parents did. It simply means that parents owe it to their children to try; try and show their children the importance of striving to do and be their best. When parents strive to be examples to their children, their children are more likely to improve their living situations when they are older.
Belonging to a certain social class does not make a person any better or any worse than anyone. No one is better than anyone else. However, problems do exist depending on what social class a person belongs to. Studies show that people in middle to higher middle class tend to marry first and then have children. People in this social stratosphere tend to have less divorces overall as well. People in lower classes tend to have an increased amount of divorces, cohabitation rates, and children born out of wedlock. Divorce, cohabitation, and out of wedlock births are huge contributing factors to the disintegration of the family. When the family unit dissolves, society dissolves as well. Other studies show that children born into family situations such as single parents homes, cohabiting couples, divorced parents, and so on are at a disadvantage compared to children born into nuclear, two parent families with a mother and father. Furthermore, children born into families with such problems tend to perpetuate that culture; they are the ones that are more likely to divorce, cohabit, and have children out of wedlock. Thus it is a parent's duty to strive to provide the best life for their children.
Overall, the social class a person belongs to can determine how his/her child will end up. Even though it may not seem like it, money is a factor in potentially determining the future success or failure of children.
Friday, September 27, 2013
Population Size: Growing or Shrinking?
This week in class we learned watched a 2 part video documentary about population growth and decline. If anyone would like to watch it, here's the link: part 1: http://www.byutv.org/watch/59b6b917-984a-478f-93b1-521a647779c4/new-economic-reality-demographic-winter-part-1, and part 2: http://www.byutv.org/watch/b3dfa9f3-6e20-4d64-af96-fbf3fd64670a/new-economic-reality-demographic-winter-part-2.
I found these videos to be very interesting. For so long people have been worried about the idea that the world's population is increasing and that we're going to run out of room and/or resource to support the growing world population. While immigration makes it seem as if populations keep increasing, the world population is actually going to peak and start to decline within the next few decades, like it shows in the documentaries. That's because the birth rates in the world have fallen below what experts call the replacement birth rate, or in other words, the amount of children each woman needs to have to counterbalance the amount of deaths there are. People need to start realizing that underpopulation is now of concern and that if people do not start having more kids, entire civilizations will eventually dimish and potentially disappear.
I mean, it makes sense. If two people get married and only have one child, then that couple is not having enough children to make up for the parents. When both parents die they only leave one person left in the former place of two. People need to start having at least two kids per family to at least counterbalance the mom and dad in the family. That way it is a more even 1:1 ratio.
The documentary mentioned that part of the problem with the decrease in fertility rates was the increased idea of individualism in society. People have become so much more selfish in the past few decades. Don't get me wrong, people are great, and I love them. It is true, though, that people have become so much more self-absorbed. So many people have to have the latest and greatest gadgets, cars, the biggest homes, and more. People have to get well into their careers before even thinking about starting a family. People have to travel the world before deciding to settle down. But what about the children? Not enough people stop to think about the societal impacts their personal decisions will have. Then, when people do decide to finally settle down, they are in their mid 30's maybe, and suddenly they realize, "oh no, where are all the singles out there?" and "oh no, I can't have as many children as I would have liked to". People need to start embracing their familial duties and think more of others than themselves.
Which ties directly into another problem premarital sex. Sex has become such a casual, passive thing nowadays that it has lost all the sacredness that it had before. Sex has become just a fun thing to do with whoever you can find, rather than a tool to bring married couples closer together. It makes me super sad how grotesquely misconstrued the purpose and sacredness of sex has become. Premarital sex also is a strong factor in increased divorce rates, out-of-wedlock pregnancies and births, as well as the declining fertility rate. People need to revamp their thinking and begin to learn what sex's true purpose is.
Strengthening the family is pretty much the only way to cure these societal woes. The family is where people learn to trust, love, and serve others. The family is where people learn morals and true principles. If children are not born into strong families where they can learn these things, society will fail. The family is the basic building block of society. Fix the family and you fix many economic and societal problems.
The decline in world population will only make it harder for the younger generations to support the older generations. This decline will eventually lead to the potential disappearance of the great civilizations and cultures of today. People need to become informed of what is really happening with families around the world. If people can fix the family, so many problems will fix themselves.
Tuesday, September 24, 2013
Hello! My name is Jonathan. I am a marriage and family studies student at BYU-Idaho and I am taking a class about family relationships. Throughout the course of the semester I will be learning new things about family relationships and I will post the things that I learn and insights I gain throughout the semester. Thanks for reading! I hope you can learn something new from my posts and hopefully gain new insights as well.
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